How I Changed in Two Years

I was browsing through all the files in my google docs just now, and found this document titled "Pursuit of Happyness" that was last edited exactly two years ago today, on October 31, 2014. I opened it out of curiosity of its contents, not expecting much. When I was a freshman, I took a class called financial literacy and career exploration. In class we watched the movie, "The Pursuit of Happyness" starring Will Smith. The teacher must have given us a prompt to answer, and I typed up my response. I certainly did not expect the chilling feelings that reading the little three paragraph school assignment would bring.
Below is the document in its entirety with absolutely no changes or edits made.

My dream is to rise above my struggles and spread kindness to everyone. Everyday I strive to become a stronger individual than I was the day before. It is only with my self powered strength that I can diffuse compassion into the hearts of everyone. I want to be a light in someone else’s darkness, their aspiration. Years down the end, I desire a community where everyone knows how amazing they are, including myself.          

In ‘The Pursuit of Happyness’ Chris goes through unimaginable difficulties. When he told his wife about the stock broker training program, she said it was a waste of time. Eventually his wife leaves him with their son and  he has almost no income. Despite all that was going on, Chris went to the Brokerage Firm everyday with a smile. He spread positivity at the firm by complimenting and smiling at his colleagues. Never once did he complain, even though he certainly had a reason to. With his hard work he went beyond his difficulties and succeeded. This reflects my dream of going past the negativity.

One day, I hope to look back at current me and be grateful that I stood firm through my difficulties. I want to always make someone else smile even when when it was hard it’s hard for me. When it feels like the whole world is against you, there will be hope spread by others. Overall, I want every human being to understand that they are  worthy of so much happiness and love.


After reading I immediately felt a shivering feeling in my chest. Earlier today, as I sat in pre-calc desperately waiting for the final bell to ring, I found myself randomly thinking of the person I was as a freshman. I even asked the person next to me and his twin brother, "How has high school changed you?" They both agreed that high school has created them to become a more
"What about you, Nima?"
"Cynical, lifeless, tired, inspirited, I had the person sucked out of me", I said.
"Dang girl", they replied thinking I was joking.

With all this being said, I remember thinking everyone was at heart a generally good person two years ago. I trusted people with what they told me, I did not expect to be judged over everything I did, did not fathom that there would be people who didn't like me for no specific reason, and I certainly did not think that days down the road I would give up on spreading positivity. This was a time in my life where I would smile at every passerby in the hallway, ask everyone of their weekends on Mondays, and constantly search for a way to make someone smile and/or happy. I would see couples in school holding hands, and think of how cute they are. Now, when I see the same thing, I gamble with myself of when and how they will break up, and even who they're going to date next. (Unsurprisingly, it doesn't take much to forecast young "love").
Today, I avoid most of my peers. I look down when I pass people in school to make due for what would otherwise be awkward eye contact. I am just counting down the days until I am out of high school at this point really. (FYI its 323) I am no longer that spirited 9th grader, eager to change the world. I am me. The girl who is constantly reading and writing to escape reality. Most of all, the reality that one day, sooner or later, I will have to stare at my fears straight in the eye and face them.
While my tone is most likely suggesting that I am putting my school and everything that goes along with it to blame, I am not. How could I? I just happened to have several things occur to me these past two years, that caused these drastic changes. Yes, the environmental aspect of high school does play some role, but only to an extent in which it is rather inevitable.
To add, the time period in which the assignment was written, was in fact a very difficult time for me, yet I did not give up on better days. Not so sure if I can be a true advocate for that way of thinking now, but I do very, very, very, VERY deep down hope that it is going to be okay one day. Part of growing up is the shedding of our innocence. So the question lies, is becoming a cynic simply losing a naive nature? Is that just a part of becoming an adult in our society?  Or is holding onto hope despite negativity correlate to a truer, stronger characterization to oneself?
I believe that the way you answer those questions says a whole lot about you.