ANOTHER Life Update ^_^

Hello, lovelies who have taken the time out their life to read the antics of a 17-year-old girl! Now it's time for another update on my life! My life has gotten so much better in the past 10 months since my last "update" in November. It's actually 5 in the morning right now as I'm typing this and I was actually thinking about early junior year (ie. the time period around that update) and how much better things have gotten as a result of the efforts I have chosen to put in, and decided to do a new update (especially since I have been so MIA!).
Now let's begin!

1. I started trying to make effort to talk to people and engage myself with interactions
This was a biggie. I started off junior year so closed off from the world inside my own bubble of depression. I had assumed that no one could ever understand the pain I was going through and I must be by myself. However, as time passed on, I allowed myself to open into simple socializing and be genuine in the way I was. While there is nothing wrong with needing your alone time to recharge and feeling balanced, in the grand scheme of it, we rely on other human beings to provide us a gateway as a release of our inevitable loneliness whether we are aware of it or not. In hindsight, I do not regret not realizing this sooner as the raw emotions I endured while in my isolation provided me the right level of discomfort for me to actively change. :)

2. Therapy! Yup your shrink can do you a whole lotta good, whadya know? I had been in therapy for years at this point but was never really actively working through issues beyond surface level. TALK TO YOUR THERAPIST ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! Please, it is the best thing you can ever do to yourself, someone is trained to listen to you and aid in sorting out your emotions, so you gotta take full advantage of that. I found myself telling my therapist deep inner realms of my psyche I would only ever tell friends before and it dawned upon me that your friends can listen to your problems, but they are not your problems solvers nor is it their responsibility. Your friends aren't trained in how to deal with serious topics the way a therapist is.

3. I started to make efforts into being PRO-active instead of reactive! If any of you have ever read Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People you know that this is actually his first habit. Instead of sitting there festered in how annoyed I was at that oh so rude comment someone else made, what would have been best for me and everyone else would be to take whatever comes my way into my OWN growth. Like that aforementioned rude comment? I can choose to ignore it, acknowledge that it won't matter in the grand scheme, calmly state that it hurt my feelings but move on, and so many other better options.

I meant there are really so many things but as someone who was dear to me once said out of anger to me "long winded speeches tend to dilute the point".... I hope you all are doing amazing!

More Than a Number

Deep in the spring of my 8th grade year, and I remember the occurrence with the same vividness as it were yesterday. I sat in my 8th grade Language Arts class doing my work as my teacher was passing out 3rd marking period report cards. Growing up, my parents would always be particularly strict about the grades we would bring home, expecting nothing less than a 91 at all costs. My teacher came to my desk and gave me my report card. Algebra I- 93, eh guess that’ll do. 8th grade social studies- 89. Wait, did I see that right? My mind went into a panic what would I tell my parents? Why hadn’t I checked genesis in weeks? I thought to myself if I couldn’t handle 8th grade, how on earth could I handle high school come September? Today, I think upon that moment and chuckle at the pure innocent ignorance that consumed me. To think that  a number could ever truly capture my knowledge in anything. Unfortunately, our world is overwhelmed with numbers depicting who we are and what we know. From SAT scores, to class rank, to admission tests. We must emancipate ourselves from the disambiguation that any individual can ever be captured as a simple organism. Unshackle ourselves from the notion that labels can ever accurately define who we are. Each and every single one of us here are infinitely complex in our own way, hold entire galaxies in your minds. You all hold your own personal life events and endless stories in your tale. Do NOT ever let anyone condescend your true unique nature. For every single one of your are a fleeting work of art that no moment can every truly capture.

Justifying Locker Room Talk

So Donald Trump condoned videos of him saying sexually explicit things about women as "locker room talk" during the Second Presidential Debate

1. She justifies the tapes of Donald Trump saying the "locker room talk" by entailing that since he's a billionaire business man, that is to be expected of him.... First of all, I can not even fathom how such a generalization can excuse someone from saying such vulgar language to literally half the population. Second of all, Bill Gates, another fellow billionaire business man has literally preached all around the world the importance of gender equality and treating women everywhere with respect and dignity. In fact he has even invested MILLIONS of dollars through campaigns that work for the empowerment of girls in still developing countries. However, Bill Gates is certainly not the only "billionaire business man" to not be heard saying words of such profane nature. Mark Zuckerburg, the creator of the platform that Tomi is displaying her terrible arguments, has been recorded to have pledged millions of dollars as well to foundations striving to shut down gender inequality. Warren Buffet, Paul Allen, Carlos Slimm, Jeff Bezos, I could quite literally name at least 20 more "billionaire business man" who definitely do not believe that the amount of monetary assets they attain allow them to insult women everywhere. 

2. She goes on to assume that those in opposition to Trump feel genuine remorse for women like her, and has the amazingly well backed up argument of "shut the hell up!!" Wow, didn't know the comeback I would use in 4th grade could be used by a 24 reporter on National television that has been said to be "reputable" or even "ground breaking". What bothers me most about this is that in most countries around the world, there is no freedom of the press, we are clearly very fortunate to be able to safely and openly share our views and opinions. But to use this sort of plainly RUDE language?? You mean to say that you got a degree just to tell everyone to "shut the hell up"?? 

3. She says how she is utterly sick of the "fake persona" that other candidates have put on, because they are certainly not perfect, pure people, but act like they are. Yes, we are all aware that Hillary, Obama, and other political leaders have flaws!! I don't know, something about being them being HUMAN gives that away...??? Here's a hint, maybe they are acting as she claims it to be, "fake" because they are literally international figures and must act with dignity and hold diplomatic mannerisms. It doesn't matter if Obama is in fact a genuinely cold hearted person on the inside, what does matter is that he understand that as a figure of the world, he must act a certain way. 

4. Any argument that presidents do not have to act a certain way, are thus invalid as she literally says that Trump is "not presidential". !!!!!! I can not even process this particular statement in my mind. Why on earth would you elect someone for a job if they could not even be described by the adjectival version of the title?? Even in a word sense he is not qualified for the job, admitted by the most notorious Trump supporter on National Television. 

5. She vaguely mentions the problems we still face in this nation as support of her argument that past Democratics did nothing to fix them in between 2002-2006. "We still have border problems, tax problems, spending problems, etc." Ms. Lahren, you obviously know nothing of the true role of a president. See, we have a thing in the United States known as the system of checks and balances, or the three branches of government, something that is taught in around the SEVENTH grade. The three branches of government guarantees that no one branch gets all the power, as it all must be balances out with the other two branches. As for the president, they are NOT the entire executive branch! The president is merely the head of the executive branch which consists of the VP, cabinet, and heads of independent agencies. Yes, he has veto power, but not to the extent where all it can be consistently used. Why this middle school civics lesson? To extenuate the point that the President alone can not be held responsible for our INEVITABLE "problems". 

6. As far as being responsible for our problems, lets do a quick google search: "What does the legislative branch do?" According to house.gov "Among other powers, the legislative branch makes all laws, declares war, regulates interstate and foreign commerce and controls taxing and spending policies." And who had power in the houses during this time? Republicans!! 

7. The year is 2016, why is something that happened 10 plus years ago relevant now??? Yes, I understand that we do have issues like any other country, but at least back up your argument with current a current development. According to Google, Ms. Lahren turned 24 in August, meaning she was not even in high school during the years she mentioned.

I started writing this post over a month ago, and left it as a draft. A month later to come back to it to see that Trump is indeed our president. Honestly I am done. I can't do this anymore. It has grown difficult to empathize with those who support Trump, as I can not fathom how on earth you could look past so many things. But not a worry for us, cause he's gonna make America great again... right? 

Reasons to Live

Stay for yourself. Please. This world is far too beautiful and far too vast for you to end it all now. You are an amazingly strong person, and I am so proud of you for already making it this far. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Not everyone is you, and that is an outstanding reality. You are a child of the universe, and are not a waste of space, with every right to be here on this Earth. You have endured so much already, and that is true beauty, to be able to fight your thoughts day in and day out. You can do this.

"You are helpful, and you are loved, and you are forgiven, and you are not alone."
                                                  - John Green
Still contemplating suicide? Well, assuming you still have some time, go to the link below. Which is NOT a "talk you out of it" article like mine. You are full of spectacular and terrible things all at once, a creation of ambiguity at its finest. And you belong here.
Please This will take only 5 minutes

Life Update

My first post was May 1, 2016 and today is November 4th. So... it has been just a couple days over 6 months since my first post and I felt the need for a little "life update".

1. Mid High School Crisis
a.  I am no longer a lower classman (yay?) in school as I am officially a junior. Thus, igniting something I will call a mid high school crisis. What exactly is a mid high school crisis? Well, it is what happens when you are minding your own business and come along numerous times into a conversation that more or less, looks like this:

Person that barely knows you (PBKY): Hey, how's school
You: *insert some variation of a vague response*
PBKY: ^-^ Soooo... what are you going to do for college?
You: oh, not thinking about that, still have time, not like I'm graduating next year or someth.... Oh, wait, nevermind.....
PBKY: *confused* You mean, you still haven't given any thought? Oh, well, now's the time, or it soon becomes way too late, you don't want to *insert mistake* because *insert personal anecdote*
You: *maneuvers out of conversation*

It other words, it is the panicky emotion you may feel when you come to the realization that you are closer to graduation than you are to the first day of freshman year.

b. I am confused and scared for the future

c. I do not know what I want to do

d. I will do anything to be a little freshman again, and do things right

2. Isolation: I just want to read books in my room all day and not talk to anyone

3. Divorce: parents finally figured it all out

4. Learned that fuckboys are to not to be messed around with

5. Have been reading and/or writing nonstop lately

6. Wasting my youth being scared and waiting, it's all just time filler

7. Have been gone for long time because got busy with school stuff, went to South Asia for 2 1/2 months, school again, and now here

8. Finding more and more ways to hide

9. Wondering why I have to be so weird and such a freak, and praying to God to be normal

AND FINALLY

10. Discovering that I have been terribly over estimating myself all this time

How I Changed in Two Years

I was browsing through all the files in my google docs just now, and found this document titled "Pursuit of Happyness" that was last edited exactly two years ago today, on October 31, 2014. I opened it out of curiosity of its contents, not expecting much. When I was a freshman, I took a class called financial literacy and career exploration. In class we watched the movie, "The Pursuit of Happyness" starring Will Smith. The teacher must have given us a prompt to answer, and I typed up my response. I certainly did not expect the chilling feelings that reading the little three paragraph school assignment would bring.
Below is the document in its entirety with absolutely no changes or edits made.

My dream is to rise above my struggles and spread kindness to everyone. Everyday I strive to become a stronger individual than I was the day before. It is only with my self powered strength that I can diffuse compassion into the hearts of everyone. I want to be a light in someone else’s darkness, their aspiration. Years down the end, I desire a community where everyone knows how amazing they are, including myself.          

In ‘The Pursuit of Happyness’ Chris goes through unimaginable difficulties. When he told his wife about the stock broker training program, she said it was a waste of time. Eventually his wife leaves him with their son and  he has almost no income. Despite all that was going on, Chris went to the Brokerage Firm everyday with a smile. He spread positivity at the firm by complimenting and smiling at his colleagues. Never once did he complain, even though he certainly had a reason to. With his hard work he went beyond his difficulties and succeeded. This reflects my dream of going past the negativity.

One day, I hope to look back at current me and be grateful that I stood firm through my difficulties. I want to always make someone else smile even when when it was hard it’s hard for me. When it feels like the whole world is against you, there will be hope spread by others. Overall, I want every human being to understand that they are  worthy of so much happiness and love.


After reading I immediately felt a shivering feeling in my chest. Earlier today, as I sat in pre-calc desperately waiting for the final bell to ring, I found myself randomly thinking of the person I was as a freshman. I even asked the person next to me and his twin brother, "How has high school changed you?" They both agreed that high school has created them to become a more
"What about you, Nima?"
"Cynical, lifeless, tired, inspirited, I had the person sucked out of me", I said.
"Dang girl", they replied thinking I was joking.

With all this being said, I remember thinking everyone was at heart a generally good person two years ago. I trusted people with what they told me, I did not expect to be judged over everything I did, did not fathom that there would be people who didn't like me for no specific reason, and I certainly did not think that days down the road I would give up on spreading positivity. This was a time in my life where I would smile at every passerby in the hallway, ask everyone of their weekends on Mondays, and constantly search for a way to make someone smile and/or happy. I would see couples in school holding hands, and think of how cute they are. Now, when I see the same thing, I gamble with myself of when and how they will break up, and even who they're going to date next. (Unsurprisingly, it doesn't take much to forecast young "love").
Today, I avoid most of my peers. I look down when I pass people in school to make due for what would otherwise be awkward eye contact. I am just counting down the days until I am out of high school at this point really. (FYI its 323) I am no longer that spirited 9th grader, eager to change the world. I am me. The girl who is constantly reading and writing to escape reality. Most of all, the reality that one day, sooner or later, I will have to stare at my fears straight in the eye and face them.
While my tone is most likely suggesting that I am putting my school and everything that goes along with it to blame, I am not. How could I? I just happened to have several things occur to me these past two years, that caused these drastic changes. Yes, the environmental aspect of high school does play some role, but only to an extent in which it is rather inevitable.
To add, the time period in which the assignment was written, was in fact a very difficult time for me, yet I did not give up on better days. Not so sure if I can be a true advocate for that way of thinking now, but I do very, very, very, VERY deep down hope that it is going to be okay one day. Part of growing up is the shedding of our innocence. So the question lies, is becoming a cynic simply losing a naive nature? Is that just a part of becoming an adult in our society?  Or is holding onto hope despite negativity correlate to a truer, stronger characterization to oneself?
I believe that the way you answer those questions says a whole lot about you.

The Busy Life

His description of the slow life in the Dominican Republican reminds me of the long hazy summer days I spent in Bangladesh, and the strong focus my relatives would give me. Despite not living in New York, or even "the city", I can relate to the self centeredness that forces you to live a life in tolerance. In Bangladesh, my days were filled socializing with relatives, from evening tea to the weekly wedding occasion. Over here, I lose track of the days, things go by way too fast. While I have as a result of this life become inexperienced in creating intimate relations, it has given me a different perspective on life as to what it is that will help me out in the long run. To come to understand others, and be less judgmental, you must stop making assumptions and expectations, and focus on the life that you yourself are creating.
TL;DR: Living life the fast way opens your eyes up to what truly matters.